How To Do Things Sober – Why I Stopped Party-Drinking

Edit: Just to make sure we’re on the same page here: I never had any problem with or addiction to alcohol.

I am a man of extremes. Yet, I am not extreme. I believe in choice. I believe in decision taking. You are free to decide to do. I “loved” the social drug (that is alcohol) for a long time. The best stories always seem to come from nights with alcohol. The big connector. I never drank too often, but sometimes too much. In those nights we loose control. We tell each other that we can handle the substance, that we would never do anything we would not do sober. What a big lie. I do not condemn alcohol. I fancy a good wine or a cold beer in the summer. I do not use alcohol to get drunk anymore. Why do we need to drink?

It seems as if many of our lives circle around alcohol. Stopping alcohol means loosing everything.

Does it?

I stopped consuming alcohol, because I lost my fear to loose everything. And when you consume alcohol, everything relies on alcohol. At least that’s the way how it works for many. Alcohol makes it easy to connect, easy to talk. Then I took a look at the the people who were drunk. Previously I could not take a party sober, now I looked at the drunk happy people. I analyzed them. What I saw was eye opening for me: These people were mostly not happy drunk people. Most of them were insecure, unhappy people, who thought that alcohol would make everything easier, more beautiful. Everything seems so bearable.

All the stories, all the memories. Questionable. Was I really that attractive and amazing as I thought I was? How could I be like I remember how I was, when I see how these people look like now? They smell, They sweat, they talk, they lie, they act. Well that’s just being drunk. I just simply did not want to be one of them anymore.

I was not scared anymore to loose friendships based on being drunk together. When I gave up the stories of being drunk. The small talk, the artificial things. I could trust myself and others again. What worth is contact if you cannot trust yourself or others. It is not yourself you do not trust, it is alcohol. The substance that every mind thinks it will be able to control, but it makes you loose control. We do stuff we regret, I did stuff I regret. We learn to not regret, instead of forgetting alcohol. We give ourself to alcohol, we do not give ourself alcohol. Only physically we swallow. The mindset changes. We build our person and character around the substance and believe in it as real. A choice. The choice to give up choice for some moments of an illusion, for decisions are a reminder of extremes. Yes. No. Life. Death.

I found my childhood again. I found friendships that were based on talks, connectedness and not loosing control and partying. Regretting, but learning to not regret. Finding childhood again. I lost nothing, but creations of acts created by the power of alcohol. A substance that makes you loose control over yourself and gives you stories and accidents in return. I never bonded on alcohol, I bonded outside of it. But alcohol introduced me many times. Until I found the Insight to introduce myself. I found myself. A question talking to itself to create answers. I know nothing anymore.

Telling this to friends often made them question my sanity or my reason. No reason I gave them seemed logic for their mind. How could someone actually stop liking the feeling of being drunk? I was not scared to be myself anymore, whatever I might be. I learned absolute honesty, and a drug that would force (or allow) me to be someone else than myself had no place in my life anymore.

I began to laugh about my own paranoia. Why was I scared to actually connect to people? Why was I scared to connect through the mind? Is physical attraction really everything there is? Why does alcohol make me unattractive to sober minds? Physical connection being the only reality in that you actually can connect: The mistake you believe in, until you discover your mind. Your own perspective without relying on the identification of yourself through others. Who am I, tell me! Who am I? Let’s find it out. I am the question who asks: Who am I? 

Where did I end up?

The madness of childhood found. Again.

When everyday feels like a Sunday morning. Reality. And the awkward feeling of tomorrow.



The Dark Side Of Happiness


is all we do wait?

Eleonora Etcetera-2

Are you happy? Ask yourself and be absolutely honest. You do not have to tell anyone. I simply invite you to be honest about this. For yourself. Do you love yourself?

Many people seek happiness. There are endless keys to find temporary happiness. Happiness can become an addiction. One craves happiness so much that one does everything to achieve it. “Do I deserve happiness?” asks one oneself. Deserve. Such a vague word. Who decides if one deserves anything. In a world full of constructs, once our mind is independent, one should not make things dependent on the question of “deserving.” I am. I decide. So how do many humans try to achieve happiness?  Company, celebration, relaxation, meditation, religion, etcetera. The list is long. Every key has a lock. Every key opens a door. Except for those who do not. Should we really assume that every key has a lock? Every lock a key? Are not the big mysteries of the cosmos reason enough to assume that some locks have no key. Some keys are just keys without a lock. What is humanity? Are we a key? Why are we using other people, other ideas, other ideologies as keys? No wonder they open the door to happiness only if regularly used. How can I open that door for a longer time, maybe “forever”? How about I use the only key that I myself absolutely own: Myself. Do I need to get things done? Most likely. Do I need to achieve goals, get things done, to be happy? No. Some keys do not need a lock to open a gate. Happiness is nothing tangible. Happiness just exists, if we invite it. Maybe we are the lock, and happiness is the key that we simply need to invite. I see a problem with the idea that we can only be happy if things go well. This is, in my opinion, a product of the concept of deserving. “If I drink, and meet people, I can be happy.” “If I find a job, I will be happy.” “If I do this right, I deserve to be happy.” Happiness: A reward. Should happiness not simply be a conviction? Should happiness simply be an ideology that one chooses to follow? Be happy, and things will get done. Allow Happiness, and you can achieve your goal.

What holds us back? Maybe the whole problem with finding happiness is that we have to face our self and have to actively make the decision to be happy?

But how and why should I be happy if everything goes wrong? Have you tried just being happy? And I do not mean go somewhere and drink until you forget your sadness. Have you actively decided: I am myself, and I love myself. I am happy to be alive. If everything else fails, I still have myself. Happiness is not stating “I am happy now,” even though this might help. Happiness is not the acting of happiness. It is a small switch, a small decision., a small trigger. Happiness is the realization that when I am absolutely honest with myself I can see that I am myself. I am. Everything else is doubtable. You can doubt yourself, but can you doubt that you doubt yourself? This is proof enough that I exist. This is proof that you exist. Whatever existence might be. Happiness opens when one loves oneself.

Self-love allows an ever expanding moment of control over the present. However, loving yourself at every moment does not mean that you cannot accept mistakes. You can even think of certain behaviors as “stupid” or “bad.” One can also be angry with himself, because absolute honesty includes Absolute Honesty to oneself. Will it change much? It will change the mind. You also do not need to “always” love everything and everyone. Sometimes you might even hate someone, for it is a natural emotion to have. But never loose the sense for love for yourself, life, and the living. Living a happy life does not mean to fake happiness, when you are actually sad. It is the simple, but yet so complex, little switch that decides: “I love myself and I am hurt.” I think of this as a better approach than “I hate myself and I want to die.” As long as you love yourself you will not want to die.

You ask your self, why you should not hate your self? Who am I to decide that you should not hate your self? You asked this since you asked: “Why should I love myself just because I exist?” What is the benefit of self hatred? Have you done something so bad that not even yourself can forgive you? When we go, we go alone. We are alone at all times, even when in company. Deep down you are only you. Why hate? It is a decision only you can take. Is self-hatred the easier way, since it allows us to hate what we are? Does not this make death more acceptable? We can accept death because we think that we deserve death. How can we know if we deserve something that we have no knowledge of. Does this ease our ever expanding fear of the unknown mystery: Death. The Dark Side Of Happiness.

Does Happiness increase the fear of death? Why fear death more than before? Facing the existence of death does not mean that we have to constantly fear it. Do not forget rationalism, for without rationalism madness will grow. When we are children it seems that we have unlimited access to our creativity. We can learn how to access this again. Imagination is a powerful force. We learn rationality, for it is an important too to learn and use. With rationalism we forget a part of our childhood. Some need to forget childhood. However, I am not talking about childhood as a thing in space and time. I talk about the mind. The mind of childhood accessed by a child that became an adult.But are not children the happiest? Are not the mad blessed? What is madness? I am just a fool.

Are we cowards for not being happy, or are we cowards for fearing death? Maybe we are no cowards at all. 

See the beauty of melancholy. Imagination. Creation. See the Dark Side Of Happiness.

Will you join me in happiness?



Tempus Vincit Omnia


Why You Should Be Proud

Why you should be proud of the things you achieve. All the little, bigger, small, gigantic things. Everything. Let me tell you exactly why: (Currently I am busy with many things. I will post more in the upcoming days, but for today I will give you some personal thoughts. Maybe you will see yourself in them.)

Have you ever worried about something? A project? Something you want to do? Something you want to achieve? Often these things go step by step. At many times I end up feeling that I should not be proud until I am finished. Maybe I am the only one who thinks this way, but I fear to be proud because I believe in “bad thinking.” It is this believe of “the light at the end of the tunnel.” When I achieve this, I can be happy. I will just name it bad thinking now, since I have no other word or term for it. What I mean is: I achieved something today, so I should not be proud because I am not done yet. Why should I only relax and be proud when I am finished with something? Am I scared that if I end the day with a good feeling that tomorrow I will not do anything? Is it positive thinking or negative thinking that motivates me? Stress through “you are not done yet” or motivation through “I have achieved this today, I can continue tomorrow.” Is it karma so many people believe in? I am not trying to convince you to stop believing in karma, I am simply telling you to be proud. I have experienced that a good feeling after achieving a small step brings huge motivation to achieve an even bigger step the next day. You have proven it to yourself that you are able to do this one step, you can do the next one! Do you really think that something or somebody will catch you thinking positively and punish you to prove that you were wrong? Do you really believe that thinking positively about a hard project is a bad approach because you need negativity? I am telling you: Try and be happy, and you might realize that motivation comes from the inside as much as it comes from the outside. End your day motivated and you will achieve even more the next day.

This was just a small thought that I had yesterday. Maybe you will see yourself in this, maybe not.

On June 12 (My Birthday) I will post the next “bigger” entry for this blog. I value the text I wrote for that day much. Let’s hope you will like it as much as I do. We will all find out on June 12. A big thank you to all the people that have taken a look at my blog, followed this blog, and supported me in any other way! I did not expect any views on this blog the first three days, but you surprised me. On the second day the visitor number (and the view count) almost doubled and the third day brought even more people to The Dark Side Of Happiness. This means a lot to me. Please keep sharing and tell your friends if you like what you read. It means a lot to me.


Is All We Do Wait?


We have no time. At numerous times we use this saying as an excuse to not enjoy our life. All the times we use it in all the different ways. Even the one were we actually use the words’ literally meaning: No time, for we have no time. We do not own any time in this world, nor do we have many of it. Instead of enjoying we give our tears to anything that is demanded from us in the ideologies that surround the basic you. In the end there is nothing, no new state. No existence? We go alone. But yet still we waste our time. And not enjoy the harmony. Life. No time.

What stays is the unknown sound of absolute happiness through melancholy. The Dark Side of Happiness.


*Prelude To A Blackbird’s Tale (TBA)

Sincerest thanks to: M83 -Wait 


Why are we not able to relax at all times? Of course, sometimes we need stress. Relieving stress means that we have to feel the stress and let go. How can we relieve something that is suppressed? Something personal:

I tried to fall asleep, but I could not find the dream world. Something was in my way. An obstacle. Stress. This stress is unbearable, I thought. How can I reduce stress. My natural reaction is avoidance. But avoidance is a technique that creates stress suppression and not relieve. I felt into my body, and it was a very physical experience. Falling. I was falling. Maybe that is the reason why we say “we fall asleep.” I let go of the stress after I felt it and the adrenalin rush flew through my body. After the rush I felt relaxed. Acceptance, yet again, is the key.

Personally, when I am in the process of falling asleep I experience one phenomenon probably every evening. A small thing. When I relax my stress will narrow down to the one spot on my body where I feel most vulnerable at this point. I feel that spot and a need will develop to dodge a possible attack. Of course I know that I am safe in bed, but I still feel this urge to move away from the danger. Then I can fall asleep.

Why would my brain create this compulsion? The ideology of Mental Illnesses assumes that something is wrong with the brain and I suffer because of this. What if I tell you that I can fall asleep afterwards. I faced my stress and that gives me relieve and peace. It is something that comes from stress and creates relaxation. It is something that gives me hold. The fear reveals itself to me. I know where the fear lies. It is no fear of the unknown, even though it might as well be. Creating logic in this case saves me. Things, such as these are pillars that give hold and stability. So how about we start asking the question of why the brain does something instead of “what is wrong, and why.” Where is the benefit? This is an effective way to understand mental abilities. Many people create sense and logic in their life with many diverse beliefs and behavior. I create my own stability and logic. Do we not all need these things in this questionable Omniverse? Make-believe. My own belief justifies its truth in a world where I have no certainty over any truth except one.

Maybe I am just a person with a constantly high stress level. I am happy that my brain has found a way to relieve this stress.


Absolute Honesty

I was shocked when a friend told me something like this: “But I can’t tell the truth to everybody. You can’t just be honest with everyone.” I was even more shocked, when I realized that this friend was not alone with this conviction.

In my childhood I started getting really good at lying. Until this very day I am convinced that I am a genius when it comes to lying. However, I stopped telling lies. I do not mean that I stopped telling most lies, or some lies, or something like this.  I stopped telling lies completely and started being absolutely honest. That does not sound special? With absolutely honest I mean absolutely honest. When I catch myself lying, which is rare these days, I immediately say so and tell the truth. Why do I do this? Does this not make me an easy target? Does this not make me weak? I do not believe so. Honesty became one of my biggest strengths.

In my childhood I did not like myself. To be more precise: I thought I was simply amazing. Unfortunately I did not have it too easy. I was a very nervous, hyperactive, and hyper-sensitive child. I asked millions of questions and demanded incredibly much attention and love. When anything, and I mean anything, upset me, I snapped and got physical. This aggression is still inside of me, but I use it for creative thinking today. One day I learned that my aggression made me bad. I felt that I was an evil person. This traumatic experience made me hate myself. I hated myself so much that I thought of myself as an alien. I could not possibly be human.

Like many others, I had interesting but hard teenage years. When I left the troublesome years of adolescence I had learned how to accept myself again. I learned that self acceptance was a key to a door that I still had to find. Still, I used lies on a daily or weekly basis. I am not talking about big lies, I am talking about lies in general. When we start being absolutely honest, we will discover so many lies that we tell. Small lies, bigger lies, funny lies, lies that make a good story, etcetera. I played all these small games that people play in these years. Have you ever wondered why you can’t just go to a party and tell a person that he/she looks incredibly beautiful? I have done this, and most times I wondered why people thought I was flirting or “hitting on them.” I was just being honest. Of course, maybe it is creepy if one just does things like this, but isn’t it sad that we live in a world were this is considered weird and creepy?

I realized why that is: People tell lies, people act, people try to be someone else. Many people do this not all. Dating games, small mind games with strangers, presenting yourself as someone you are not. All these things are, somehow, accepted. I think to a certain extent that is okay. However, for me this was not the solution.

I moved away from my home country. In a new environment of many internationals I finally found the door. The key of self acceptance opened the door to the ability to love yourself. I moved to Groningen and learned how to love myself. In Groningen I started thinking about all the truths that I tell myself. I started to question things. My close friends quickly realized how often I contradicted myself. Immediately after discovering small lies or things that I do not know (but claimed to know) I would tell what I actually know. Often this meant that I just confessed that I do not know anything. In Groningen I started being absolutely honest to myself and others. Of course, I have the freedom to decide not to share information with people. I am not an open book. I advised many friends to try this method, but most of them said “they need lies.” I understand that certain people need to act and play roles, but I could not understand how these people still rejected the idea of being honest to them self. When I started being absolutely honest to myself, I saw how many things in my head were small lies or not true. I also found out that most of the people I know seem to be scared to be honest to them self. What would they discover? What could it be that is more scarier than the absolute you? Maybe nothing is scarier than the absolute you. Can we ever actually find out who we are? I believe that we should never stop asking ourself who we are. When one thinks he/ she has found himself/herself, this person should ask again. Finding out who we are in an ever expanding question with an ever expanding answer. Just like space and the Omniverse. What do we actually know? The only thing that I know is: I think I exist. Everything else is based on logical and rational (and sometimes irrational) thinking. Isn’t the best way to find solutions and answers to be honest with yourself? If we actually know nothing, at least we can be honest with ourself.

I tried this for months now, and I am not planning to stop. It works. I see myself as the character that I play. All of my acts and decisions have consequences. Everything has a consequence for the one big game that we all play, but often forget: Staying alive. We should be grateful that many of us live in societies where we do not have to think about survival. Sometimes it might help about it. When you do not know an answer to a question think about the bigger picture. Think about yourself. What would be the best thing to do right now? What would be the best thing for the bigger picture; staying alive. What gives me the best bonus for the game of life? Since the day I started being absolutely honest to myself I have almost no troubles anymore with making decisions. I simply ask myself “what is the right thing to do for me now?” If I cannot find the answer I seek information. People have information. There are, of course, other sources for information, and I do not always find what I want. At least I am honest to myself. When I am alone with myself, in a room without music or company, I can exist in peace with myself. My thoughts do not tell me lies anymore. I am honest.  I would like to invite everybody to try this for a while. See how it works out. If you think you are honest to yourself, ask again. If you come to the conclusion that you really are 100 % honest with yourself and others, you should be proud.

Honesty is one key, but there are unlimited others. Lying is a key, acting is a key, playing games is a key. I came to the conclusion that absolute honesty at least does not make you use those keys against yourself. Who does not like peace? …

Now ask yourself: If you are the person that lives. If you are your body, your mind, your character. If you are the human that you are. If you are the only choice you have. If you are stuck in your body until you reach the big mystery, why hate yourself? You are you. The only logical solution I could come up with was: You have to love yourself. Maybe absolute honesty is so scary because some people are scared to start loving them self.