Edit: Just to make sure we’re on the same page here: I never had any problem with or addiction to alcohol.
I am a man of extremes. Yet, I am not extreme. I believe in choice. I believe in decision taking. You are free to decide to do. I “loved” the social drug (that is alcohol) for a long time. The best stories always seem to come from nights with alcohol. The big connector. I never drank too often, but sometimes too much. In those nights we loose control. We tell each other that we can handle the substance, that we would never do anything we would not do sober. What a big lie. I do not condemn alcohol. I fancy a good wine or a cold beer in the summer. I do not use alcohol to get drunk anymore. Why do we need to drink?
It seems as if many of our lives circle around alcohol. Stopping alcohol means loosing everything.
I stopped consuming alcohol, because I lost my fear to loose everything. And when you consume alcohol, everything relies on alcohol. At least that’s the way how it works for many. Alcohol makes it easy to connect, easy to talk. Then I took a look at the the people who were drunk. Previously I could not take a party sober, now I looked at the drunk happy people. I analyzed them. What I saw was eye opening for me: These people were mostly not happy drunk people. Most of them were insecure, unhappy people, who thought that alcohol would make everything easier, more beautiful. Everything seems so bearable.
All the stories, all the memories. Questionable. Was I really that attractive and amazing as I thought I was? How could I be like I remember how I was, when I see how these people look like now? They smell, They sweat, they talk, they lie, they act. Well that’s just being drunk. I just simply did not want to be one of them anymore.
I was not scared anymore to loose friendships based on being drunk together. When I gave up the stories of being drunk. The small talk, the artificial things. I could trust myself and others again. What worth is contact if you cannot trust yourself or others. It is not yourself you do not trust, it is alcohol. The substance that every mind thinks it will be able to control, but it makes you loose control. We do stuff we regret, I did stuff I regret. We learn to not regret, instead of forgetting alcohol. We give ourself to alcohol, we do not give ourself alcohol. Only physically we swallow. The mindset changes. We build our person and character around the substance and believe in it as real. A choice. The choice to give up choice for some moments of an illusion, for decisions are a reminder of extremes. Yes. No. Life. Death.
I found my childhood again. I found friendships that were based on talks, connectedness and not loosing control and partying. Regretting, but learning to not regret. Finding childhood again. I lost nothing, but creations of acts created by the power of alcohol. A substance that makes you loose control over yourself and gives you stories and accidents in return. I never bonded on alcohol, I bonded outside of it. But alcohol introduced me many times. Until I found the Insight to introduce myself. I found myself. A question talking to itself to create answers. I know nothing anymore.
Telling this to friends often made them question my sanity or my reason. No reason I gave them seemed logic for their mind. How could someone actually stop liking the feeling of being drunk? I was not scared to be myself anymore, whatever I might be. I learned absolute honesty, and a drug that would force (or allow) me to be someone else than myself had no place in my life anymore.
I began to laugh about my own paranoia. Why was I scared to actually connect to people? Why was I scared to connect through the mind? Is physical attraction really everything there is? Why does alcohol make me unattractive to sober minds? Physical connection being the only reality in that you actually can connect: The mistake you believe in, until you discover your mind. Your own perspective without relying on the identification of yourself through others. Who am I, tell me! Who am I? Let’s find it out. I am the question who asks: Who am I?
Where did I end up?
The madness of childhood found. Again.
When everyday feels like a Sunday morning. Reality. And the awkward feeling of tomorrow.