Drawing Lines: Now You’re Sitting



You just sit.

Stopped talking.

And started feeling.

And how is the feeling?

It is a bad, negative feeling.

And suddenly everything has shape.

And that’s exactly what you avoided so long.

With all that forced happiness. One way or the other.

Instead you accepted it. Clear minded. Step down and let go.

With all that (a)void(ed) sadness. One way or the other.

And that’s exactly what you avoided so long.

And suddenly everything has shape.

It is a strong, soothing feeling.

And how is the feeling?

It is a you feeling.

You just are.



How To Do Things Sober – Why I Stopped Party-Drinking

Edit: Just to make sure we’re on the same page here: I never had any problem with or addiction to alcohol.

I am a man of extremes. Yet, I am not extreme. I believe in choice. I believe in decision taking. You are free to decide to do. I “loved” the social drug (that is alcohol) for a long time. The best stories always seem to come from nights with alcohol. The big connector. I never drank too often, but sometimes too much. In those nights we loose control. We tell each other that we can handle the substance, that we would never do anything we would not do sober. What a big lie. I do not condemn alcohol. I fancy a good wine or a cold beer in the summer. I do not use alcohol to get drunk anymore. Why do we need to drink?

It seems as if many of our lives circle around alcohol. Stopping alcohol means loosing everything.

Does it?

I stopped consuming alcohol, because I lost my fear to loose everything. And when you consume alcohol, everything relies on alcohol. At least that’s the way how it works for many. Alcohol makes it easy to connect, easy to talk. Then I took a look at the the people who were drunk. Previously I could not take a party sober, now I looked at the drunk happy people. I analyzed them. What I saw was eye opening for me: These people were mostly not happy drunk people. Most of them were insecure, unhappy people, who thought that alcohol would make everything easier, more beautiful. Everything seems so bearable.

All the stories, all the memories. Questionable. Was I really that attractive and amazing as I thought I was? How could I be like I remember how I was, when I see how these people look like now? They smell, They sweat, they talk, they lie, they act. Well that’s just being drunk. I just simply did not want to be one of them anymore.

I was not scared anymore to loose friendships based on being drunk together. When I gave up the stories of being drunk. The small talk, the artificial things. I could trust myself and others again. What worth is contact if you cannot trust yourself or others. It is not yourself you do not trust, it is alcohol. The substance that every mind thinks it will be able to control, but it makes you loose control. We do stuff we regret, I did stuff I regret. We learn to not regret, instead of forgetting alcohol. We give ourself to alcohol, we do not give ourself alcohol. Only physically we swallow. The mindset changes. We build our person and character around the substance and believe in it as real. A choice. The choice to give up choice for some moments of an illusion, for decisions are a reminder of extremes. Yes. No. Life. Death.

I found my childhood again. I found friendships that were based on talks, connectedness and not loosing control and partying. Regretting, but learning to not regret. Finding childhood again. I lost nothing, but creations of acts created by the power of alcohol. A substance that makes you loose control over yourself and gives you stories and accidents in return. I never bonded on alcohol, I bonded outside of it. But alcohol introduced me many times. Until I found the Insight to introduce myself. I found myself. A question talking to itself to create answers. I know nothing anymore.

Telling this to friends often made them question my sanity or my reason. No reason I gave them seemed logic for their mind. How could someone actually stop liking the feeling of being drunk? I was not scared to be myself anymore, whatever I might be. I learned absolute honesty, and a drug that would force (or allow) me to be someone else than myself had no place in my life anymore.

I began to laugh about my own paranoia. Why was I scared to actually connect to people? Why was I scared to connect through the mind? Is physical attraction really everything there is? Why does alcohol make me unattractive to sober minds? Physical connection being the only reality in that you actually can connect: The mistake you believe in, until you discover your mind. Your own perspective without relying on the identification of yourself through others. Who am I, tell me! Who am I? Let’s find it out. I am the question who asks: Who am I? 

Where did I end up?

The madness of childhood found. Again.

When everyday feels like a Sunday morning. Reality. And the awkward feeling of tomorrow.


The Dark Side Of Happiness


is all we do wait?

Eleonora Etcetera-2

Are you happy? Ask yourself and be absolutely honest. You do not have to tell anyone. I simply invite you to be honest about this. For yourself. Do you love yourself?

Many people seek happiness. There are endless keys to find temporary happiness. Happiness can become an addiction. One craves happiness so much that one does everything to achieve it. “Do I deserve happiness?” asks one oneself. Deserve. Such a vague word. Who decides if one deserves anything. In a world full of constructs, once our mind is independent, one should not make things dependent on the question of “deserving.” I am. I decide. So how do many humans try to achieve happiness?  Company, celebration, relaxation, meditation, religion, etcetera. The list is long. Every key has a lock. Every key opens a door. Except for those who do not. Should we really assume that every key has a lock? Every lock a key? Are not the big mysteries of the cosmos reason enough to assume that some locks have no key. Some keys are just keys without a lock. What is humanity? Are we a key? Why are we using other people, other ideas, other ideologies as keys? No wonder they open the door to happiness only if regularly used. How can I open that door for a longer time, maybe “forever”? How about I use the only key that I myself absolutely own: Myself. Do I need to get things done? Most likely. Do I need to achieve goals, get things done, to be happy? No. Some keys do not need a lock to open a gate. Happiness is nothing tangible. Happiness just exists, if we invite it. Maybe we are the lock, and happiness is the key that we simply need to invite. I see a problem with the idea that we can only be happy if things go well. This is, in my opinion, a product of the concept of deserving. “If I drink, and meet people, I can be happy.” “If I find a job, I will be happy.” “If I do this right, I deserve to be happy.” Happiness: A reward. Should happiness not simply be a conviction? Should happiness simply be an ideology that one chooses to follow? Be happy, and things will get done. Allow Happiness, and you can achieve your goal.

What holds us back? Maybe the whole problem with finding happiness is that we have to face our self and have to actively make the decision to be happy?

But how and why should I be happy if everything goes wrong? Have you tried just being happy? And I do not mean go somewhere and drink until you forget your sadness. Have you actively decided: I am myself, and I love myself. I am happy to be alive. If everything else fails, I still have myself. Happiness is not stating “I am happy now,” even though this might help. Happiness is not the acting of happiness. It is a small switch, a small decision., a small trigger. Happiness is the realization that when I am absolutely honest with myself I can see that I am myself. I am. Everything else is doubtable. You can doubt yourself, but can you doubt that you doubt yourself? This is proof enough that I exist. This is proof that you exist. Whatever existence might be. Happiness opens when one loves oneself.

Self-love allows an ever expanding moment of control over the present. However, loving yourself at every moment does not mean that you cannot accept mistakes. You can even think of certain behaviors as “stupid” or “bad.” One can also be angry with himself, because absolute honesty includes Absolute Honesty to oneself. Will it change much? It will change the mind. You also do not need to “always” love everything and everyone. Sometimes you might even hate someone, for it is a natural emotion to have. But never loose the sense for love for yourself, life, and the living. Living a happy life does not mean to fake happiness, when you are actually sad. It is the simple, but yet so complex, little switch that decides: “I love myself and I am hurt.” I think of this as a better approach than “I hate myself and I want to die.” As long as you love yourself you will not want to die.

You ask your self, why you should not hate your self? Who am I to decide that you should not hate your self? You asked this since you asked: “Why should I love myself just because I exist?” What is the benefit of self hatred? Have you done something so bad that not even yourself can forgive you? When we go, we go alone. We are alone at all times, even when in company. Deep down you are only you. Why hate? It is a decision only you can take. Is self-hatred the easier way, since it allows us to hate what we are? Does not this make death more acceptable? We can accept death because we think that we deserve death. How can we know if we deserve something that we have no knowledge of. Does this ease our ever expanding fear of the unknown mystery: Death. The Dark Side Of Happiness.

Does Happiness increase the fear of death? Why fear death more than before? Facing the existence of death does not mean that we have to constantly fear it. Do not forget rationalism, for without rationalism madness will grow. When we are children it seems that we have unlimited access to our creativity. We can learn how to access this again. Imagination is a powerful force. We learn rationality, for it is an important too to learn and use. With rationalism we forget a part of our childhood. Some need to forget childhood. However, I am not talking about childhood as a thing in space and time. I talk about the mind. The mind of childhood accessed by a child that became an adult.But are not children the happiest? Are not the mad blessed? What is madness? I am just a fool.

Are we cowards for not being happy, or are we cowards for fearing death? Maybe we are no cowards at all. 

See the beauty of melancholy. Imagination. Creation. See the Dark Side Of Happiness.

Will you join me in happiness?



Tempus Vincit Omnia